Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Put the is in disheveled
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️