Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
goldfish mafia
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I have a new favorite meme page
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel