(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
You Might Also Like
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.