According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
You Might Also Like
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film