therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!