hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
oh u like geography? name every lake
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
See..?
.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i- i did not expect this
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague