My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.