*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
incredible text to wake up to
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ