Goat cheese is for herders.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
That eye roll….
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.