to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
This is my pinned tweet
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.