You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.