It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Most fashion shows these days…
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries