My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You Might Also Like
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Don’t we all.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.