Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Great Canadian literature.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me hitting on a model
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers