JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
The options really are this bad
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.