To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
You Might Also Like
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life