I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
hmm conte-me mais
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved