[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You Might Also Like
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
synchronized noseblowing
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The glory of fall.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!