There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Thursday Thought.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything