Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
my one true gender
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
yeet
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.