Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.