[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.