[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Cucumbers Anonymous
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“I FIXED IT!”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
What even happened today?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.