*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first