All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*