accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
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Very good! 👍😂
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore