[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Thoughts
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.