The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down