THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
You Might Also Like
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
respect
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything