Not messing around
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well