Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.