Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*