[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*