transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You Might Also Like
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!