I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live