I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.