According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.