ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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We like the way Dwight thinks
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95