Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING