{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?