*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
You Might Also Like
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?