Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
next level snooze
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.