2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.