If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
True?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
#parenting
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?