If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”