don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired