A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
he was correct
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!