If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Aight bet
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.