SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”