*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
new wife guy just dropped
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.